let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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