I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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