just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
