I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he thought i was a dude.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We have started to decorate penises.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
