just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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