I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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