i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar