Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...