We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
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I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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