She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
