got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
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Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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