Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
