it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
