I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Your penis caused this!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
