All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
