So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
