So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
