i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Your topless pictures make me question reality
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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