did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
