you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
