You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
