I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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