i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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