She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
