Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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