I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
