Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
