I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
