She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
