i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
