Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
