I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
