i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
