I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
