I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
