I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
