Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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