Umm I'm too high to move.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
