I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
