Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
