I think I died a long time ago.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
