God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
