you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
