i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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