I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
