Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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