My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
