I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
