he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
