bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
