Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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