I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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