Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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