You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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