im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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