Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
