I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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