Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
