Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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