Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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