At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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